Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
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I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free