Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
You Might Also Like
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Catering service
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Many hands make light work
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back