I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
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* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.