When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
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Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I feel seen
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
There’s only one good girl here!
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler