[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
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I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*