The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
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[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it