[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
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Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
The three genders.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.