starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
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You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
🤔😂😂
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters