[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
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I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
A Short Story.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
all that yoga finally paid off
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
found this cool rock hiking today
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?