lot going on here, legally speaking.
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My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances