I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them