I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
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Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling