DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
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What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”