Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
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Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?