When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
You Might Also Like
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.