My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
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[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
british sex workers really pound for pound
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me