stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
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grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.