Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
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There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.