I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
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[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Happy Febuary everyone!
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.