It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
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The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Dudes named Chance never had one.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
This bar smells like my childhood.
So true for me
What if all the cashiers are married?