STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.