My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.