[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
You Might Also Like
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
OMG 🤣🤣
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding