I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
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As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea