every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
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When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour