Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
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A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Who called it baking and not making love
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
🤣could you imagine
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes