Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
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[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Rather alarming headline…
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]