A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
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has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.