I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
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My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
me opening up to someone