I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…