I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
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Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.