Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
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Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
A huge thanks to the person that did this
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”