“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
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“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
This kid is going places
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Autocarrot sucks!
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.