When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
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Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Me trying to “trust the process”
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.