The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
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ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.