My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
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Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
God, I love Scotland
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma