*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
You Might Also Like
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
#MeanwhileInCanada
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.