Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
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Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
This story is comedy gold 😂
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.