DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
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Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Lmaoo 😂
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I didn’t realize that was an option
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?