Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
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help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I am also baked goods
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Well, this explains it:
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
These aliens are taking forever.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985