I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
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There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.