“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
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It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired