idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
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“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Sunday
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.