ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
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A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
If looks could kill
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours