“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
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[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
it is time once again
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Swedish for common sense.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.