You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
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Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
(Jupiter –
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.