Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
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Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.