pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
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Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
My dog learned how to text
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.