Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
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I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Banking tips
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.