The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
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To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I put the h in mysterious.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
is there nothing we can trust anymore
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”